Hello world!

A great man told me “Fairy tales start with ‘Once upon a time’ war stories start with ‘No s*** there I was…’”

Have you ever wondered, “How the f*** did I get to this point?”

Well, this is me trying to figure that out. These are my personal war stories, my victories, my defeats. These are the confessions of a recovering workaholic 30-something who survived breast cancer and who isn’t a princess anymore.

Hope you enjoy things as I try to figure out my life after breast cancer and marrying a wonderful and nerdy giant. These are my no crap moments filled with laughter & tears. As I’m fond of saying “At least we’ll have a good story!”

Nightmares & Pondering

Ever since I could remember I’ve had incredibly vivid dreams, dreams where I can smell, see and even taste what’s going on. Growing up I’d tell my mother my crazy dreams, especially the nightmares so I know they wouldn’t come true. I don’t know where I learned it from but I had (have?) a belief that any dreams told before you ate in the morning would not come true. Maybe it was something my mother told me to help ease my fears?

I’d have the typical flying dreams that occasional turned into falling and I’d wake up with a giant jolt and sometimes the wind felt knocked out of me. Most of my dreams though were good….well crazy but good-ish.

I don’t know when though my dreams became nightmares. I have nightmares more often then dreams now. I don’t know when but at some point in my life there was a lever that was pulled. (Wrong lever Kronk!!!!) and my fantastical vivid dreams seem to have been replaced for the most part with fantastic vivid nightmares. I still get the occasional dream but they are rare now, like little shiny gems among the rubble of my nightmares.

It’s been something I’ve been musing about for a couple days. Also, many people I hear don’t dream hardly at all. Am I weird for still dreaming at 35 or remembering them? More thoughts to ponder.

 

War(rior)

Alone I stand feet spread apart pressing into the earth

Legs strong and stable pressing down and planting my feet firmly into the dirt

Arms spread wide trying to hide

The hurt and anger that is flooding me inside

Chin up and defiant, hair tossed back

This is my warrior pose as I wait for your attack

Each arrow I throw and each hit I make, stabs me too but it’s too late

Alone I now stand bleeding into the fields where once we played

Without you my friend how will I know the way?

Toxic and hurtful as you’ve become I wasn’t ready to admit that we were done.

Go my dear one and remember how much I loved

I hope you will realize what we both lost and won

Today the battle is over but has the war finally begun?

Unchallenged – Adult Decisions

One of the hardest decisions, at least for me, during my adult hood up to this point is when to stay and when to leave a job. Does the job challenge me, does it pay me well, are the hours and location good? What about insurance?

I know all the above play into decisions why one should leave their current employer and look for something else. I find that although I can draw the hard line between work relationships and personal relationships that they do in fact overlap a great deal for most and then start to blur slightly for me in a “well they’ll feel personally attacked or abandoned” way.

That being said I like the hours I work the pay isn’t bad and they do pay for our healthcare but there really isn’t room for increases since it’s a small company. The work I do isn’t a field I have a passion for and I often find it tedious and boring. With so many pros and cons though how does one choose? My old job wants me back and I am tempted. The final decision may just be money, if they can give me the pay I deserve and more than when I left I will make the commute and sacrifice some time during the week with the baby to have more time during the holidays and on weekends with her. I’m torn, getting a pay increase as much as I’ve said I needed would be a game changer for the husband and I but it does mean less time with the baby but more time overall. Uggghhhhh what do I do?! I guess I do nothing until the old job can confirm the pay.

Standing My Ground

It’s been awhile because life got too busy. The husband has been working 16 hours or more a day, the baby is going through the clingy stage where she only wants me, I am tired, I am stressed and I am one inch from having a complete breakdown. While I appreciate that everyone loves our baby I have a serious issue right now with my Mother in Law aka MIL. My MIL is currently trying to control how and when she sees the baby. A fun invite to the local Zoo and she and my Father In Law aka FIL are demanding a choice of 2 other Zoos that are 3 hours away with a 10 month old baby.

1st off I didn’t ask them what Zoo they wanted to go to, I asked them if they wanted to go to the Zoo for their granddaughter’s first visit. 2nd off a 3 hour drive with a 10 month old to go to the Zoo, then 3 hour drive home is too much for the baby right now. The baby is also in  a stage where she loaths the car seat. She will wiggle and squirm and try to crawl off the darn thing while I wrestle her in. We are working on this however, the reality is that she used to commute 2-3 hours home with me and I really feel awful making her do long drives right now. She’s at the stage where she doesn’t sleep as much during car rides but also is too little to reach all the things she drops or wants causing frustration and meltdowns. Also, did I mention she’s been clingy? If she can’t see me and touch me she’s not convinced I’m there (learning about object permanence)

I know they want to spend time with their Granddaughter, I appreciate it however I don’t appreciate them not respecting what we want. My husband, the baby and myself come 1st, we have plans, we want to introduce her to the awesome things we can and enjoy this curious stage. Some of my fondest memories are being at Zoos, Aquariums, Parks and Museums, I love them and they get us out of the house, walking around and not being at work or home. This time allows us to focus on us and have some fun. I don’t want to sit in the car or inside anymore than the baby does to be honest and am holding my ground. IF they want to come join us and see us, that’s absolutely fantastic, if they don’t then it’s on them. I just am so tired of seeing and hearing the passive aggressive things about “thank you for LETTING us see our Granddaughter” “I reeeeeeaaaaalllly wish we could spend more time with her…”

Also we did name one of our daughter’s name after one of their children that passed away. My husband and I are also wondering if this was a mistake as she always is calling her by her 1st and one of her middle names forgetting she has two. The fact that she always calls her by the one middle name is starting to drive me insane. I’ve also pointed out her first name and full name multiple times and “Oh I forget” is all I get. On the car ride home from her last visit she also told the baby that’s she’d make something for her and then said “yes, mommy will make it for you!” groan.

I spoke to my husband and normally I’m the one that tells him to let it go or be nicer. I am so done with the situation that I am giving him full reign to do whatever he thinks is best.

When the World is too much I have you

When the world gets to be too much and the days are long and dark, I still have you warming my heart.

The fire that’s within me sometimes flickers low but as long as I have you near, the fire will never truly go out, embers can be reunited and fires grown again.

We aren’t perfect and never will be but, together we will make it through just about anything.

You are the hope I have when things go wrong, the warm light in the dark, the cool breeze on a hot day, you are the little joys that life brings.

Maybe you are my reward for all my past loss, like the prize buried deep in the healthy cereal box.

How else can I tell you except for in this cheesy way that your are my true match in every single way?

For…

Ian and Lisa my husband and Faire Husband, I couldn’t have dreamed of better matches for my real and fake lives. You are the stars and moon in my night sky.

When Facebook Attacks (aka I want to hit your face with a book)

We make posts and share stories, images and whatever we want on social media.  We connect, we laugh, some even share religion and politics and everyone shares their views. It’s a privilege, it’s socially accepted (to a point) and everyone has their own ways of sharing.

Sometimes though people post comments, articles or thoughts knowing it will incite arguments or encourage bullying of others. Sometimes they bait and poke and argue just because they can. This is what bothers me.

About a month ago I responded to such a post (Little bit of background after seeing various post, and hearing various crappy stories about this person attacking their ex I responded, I took the bait. I posted a non-confrontational comment about  their post hitting one of MY triggers and how their post can be taken as a call to take sides. Well it snowballed from there.)

When did we become so obsessed with making other people agree with us verses hearing and learning about why they don’t agree? This annoys me greatly as I am of the opinion that I don’t have to agree with someone nor must they agree with me to be friends.

When did we also get so sensitive and self righteous about our own issues while ignoring and not allowing alliances for others? When did we become so self-centered? Is it a cause of the social media or just coincidence?

I know we all need various amounts of attention but when does it become a detriment to yourself and others that you have to have all the attention all of the time?

I know I like being in the right but don’t necessarily have to be. I like to analyze and take a step back, it’s why I write here. In an anonymous voice among millions of others I don’t have to censor myself. Now Facebook on the other hand seems to be the see all, be all for arguments and attention. So when is it too much? Will it ever be too much for some people?

I have so many questions and not enough answers. I also have so much frustration still with the person attacking their ex but that’s a different matter to hash out another day.

Negative Thoughts

Negative begets Negative and more to pile on

Funny complaints are still complaints and anger must be gone

Bitter is the memories, tainted now with dread

Forevermore living with the bad playing in your head

There is light and shadows flickering filtered through the trees

Some days all you can do is manage to breath

Breath the warm air in and out your lungs

Calming breaths and flustered thoughts in and out they run

With each breath let go just a little bit more

Let go of the anger and tension that makes soul and body sore

Let the sorrows and negativity lessen with each breath

Take this time, renew and rest